Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Finding Peace

So its been a while since i last blogged, and theres a reason for that. My life is in chaos. Im a full time mom at home with my boys, plus I work 20 hours a week in the evenings, and on weekends.My family is completely blessed because of my current job, other wise we'd be 600$ in debt each month. (that adds up). My job at HAIRisma couldnt have come at a better time. I was praying and asking God to show me creative ways to make money at home, because i couldnt imagine a place that would hire me for the hours that i needed, but low and behold (insert angelic choir here) my friend Janelle offered me a job as a receptionist at her shop. Praise the Lord, but how was this going to work... WELL (and a big well at that). Janelle asked me what hours would work for me, and she gave me those exact hours... Doesnt God surprise us sometimes?? My life has come full circle. its a long story, but Janelle and I first met through an incident that happened with that shop.. minor detail though.

So my job has been going great. its a complete blessing. And honestly I couldnt have asked for a greater bunch of women to work with! God answers prayer in the most unique and normal (all at the same time) kinds of ways.

Im currently gearing up to go to California for another all girls shopping trip, and that was also a surprise. Ryan decided that since i was having such a hard time with the transition back to work (I was miserable) he would buy me a ticket to go with the girls. The question i had since i had recently taken over the finances, was how are we going to pay for this?! Well... That hasnt all be ironed out yet, and its adding a little stress to me to be quite honest. I feel blessed to be going, but it also feels like a curse. just another hurdle to get over.. its a faith builder thats for sure. Ryans intentions were pure and good, but I feel like it just set us back that much further. I leave on thursday for 5 days with 200$ in my pocket. that doesnt even cover my food, my hotel, my car, and my day at disneyland which is 100$ all by its self. God is going to have to really do an incredible miracle to get me through that trip!

In the last few days, ive come to discover that two people very dear to my heart that just moved away have defriended me on FB.. Now dont get me wrong I had my moment where i did the same thing (not to them), but out of anger and frustration at someone from church, i defriended all the people i attended church with (other then our students), and i defriended the people who i dont talk to anymore. not long after i started adding them all back as my friends because i realized how foolish i was and how petty it was for me to be angry, and they didnt even do anything to me. Well these "friends" lived here in Canada for a few years and ryan and i poured our lives into them. We spent what we could (money, time, energy) to make them feel like they were a part of our family here. We loved their child, and did what we could do to help them with her, as they had no family here. My parents poured money, time and energy into their family too. Often babysitting for them so we could go on a double date. Having them for supper and really trying to be the family they were missing back home. Im feeling... well im not sure how im feeling. Ive sought forgiveness from her and forgiveness is not really in her vocabulary. I should have known better when they often talked about not having friends at the other places they lived... I made an error in judgement and said some things that didnt need to be said. (after pouring SO much time and energy into this family, i thought that the occasional text or phone call to see how we were doing wouldnt be too much to ask ,when her mom was down visiting for 2 weeks). I shouldnt have even brought it up. I am made a certain way, to think of others, and be mindful of them and their feelings (almost to a fault), and some people arent created that way. To ask someone to be mindful of my feelings and think about me at times is maybe pushing too much. requesting too much from a friend... So i told her this, and the response was not good. I was completely cut off from their family, and ignored. I constantly tried to get that friendship back, even to the point of taking full responsibility for both of our actions. full responsibility for her part in all of this... (im a blame taker and id rather have peace then problems).

All that said, im in the search for peace. My heart hurts, and every time i think about her and her family, i open a new wound. had they left on good terms feelings would be different. My heart just longs for forgiveness... the words "I forgive you"... these words may never come, i pray they will, but i have to realize that they may never happen. I will, for now, continue to pray for them and pray for blessing to be brought to them. That God would give His ultimate best to them, and show them his constant and true love and forgiveness.

I think the people that cant forgive, dont feel that they can be forgiven. What a terrible way to live. I want peace in my life, and so my prayer is for God to reveal his true and abounding peace. Show me the purpose in all of this, and help me to learn a valuable lesson in this!

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