Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Angry God

I've been reading Exodus these past few weeks, and really trying to understand it. There are many confusing parts in the story, parts that I just don't understand.

in chapter 4 it talks about how God was going to kill Moses because he was not circumcised but then moses' wife cut the foreskin off her son and touched Moses with it and God left Moses alone. things like that.. if God wanted Moses to do His work then why would He want to kill him??

The book is teaching me that God will go to any length to get His work done. He is a JUST, TRUE, RIGHTEOUS, and a being that should be feared. I'm not talking about respect. I'm talking about FEAR! Knee trembling, eyes twitching kind of fear. Fear of the one that could make or destroy anything. Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. So to fear the Lord is to be wise.. I'm still wrestling with this, because all my life we have heard that God is loving, and gracious, and kind, and gentle... He is all of those things, but He is also to be feared. Its something I'm working through and thinking about on my journey to find joy! All i know is that 2012, is going to be an incredible year. Ups and Downs, but still Christ in the centre.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Finding Joy in my waiting

This lesson "being joyful in my waiting" has been a lesson that God has been continually showing me. Last march was the first time I heard this message and I thought that it could apply to me, but I wasnt sure how. Well, fast forward to now and here I am, waiting for God to show me our next move, to put something on our hearts, to move us to where he wants us next, and I'm Waiting...

So part of my nature is that I dont like waiting, i found out what i was having when i was pregnant, i dont like waiting until Christmas to give my gifts, or open mine for that matter, i dont like lines, i want my children to behave right now and not have to teach them (why arent they born that way?) i am not a patient being. Ive actually quite often said that i was going to stop praying for patience because then God wouldnt have to put me in situations to be patient.. WRONG!!! God teaches us how He sees fit and not according to our own selfish desires. HA lesson 1.

Well last week in California i was chatting with the ladies i was with about this message i heard back in march about being joyful in your waiting. .. fast forward 2 days... listening to Joyce Myer on a pod cast... be joyful in your waiting... Graham cook pod cast the next day... Be joyful in your waiting... Sunday morning a lady got up to share after worship a word that God placed on her heart to share with us... BE JOYFUL IN YOUR WAITING!!! (needless to say.. but i bursted out in tears and sobbed for about 5 minutes and couldnt even concentrate on the sermon, God has spoken to me. Clear as day... )

God are you trying to teach me something here?? you what? want me to be joyful in my waiting? you dont want me to lay down and be miserable? you really do want me to have a full abundant life, and you do want whats best for me... you dont just want me to constantly live in misery over not having my answers here and now? I dont get it?! Well I do get it. God has called Ryan and I into ministry, and He will reveal himself and his perfect plans to us as he sees fit, but in the mean time we are to love life. we are to be joyful and find the best we can in amongst our situations... SHOCKING!!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Finding Peace

So its been a while since i last blogged, and theres a reason for that. My life is in chaos. Im a full time mom at home with my boys, plus I work 20 hours a week in the evenings, and on weekends.My family is completely blessed because of my current job, other wise we'd be 600$ in debt each month. (that adds up). My job at HAIRisma couldnt have come at a better time. I was praying and asking God to show me creative ways to make money at home, because i couldnt imagine a place that would hire me for the hours that i needed, but low and behold (insert angelic choir here) my friend Janelle offered me a job as a receptionist at her shop. Praise the Lord, but how was this going to work... WELL (and a big well at that). Janelle asked me what hours would work for me, and she gave me those exact hours... Doesnt God surprise us sometimes?? My life has come full circle. its a long story, but Janelle and I first met through an incident that happened with that shop.. minor detail though.

So my job has been going great. its a complete blessing. And honestly I couldnt have asked for a greater bunch of women to work with! God answers prayer in the most unique and normal (all at the same time) kinds of ways.

Im currently gearing up to go to California for another all girls shopping trip, and that was also a surprise. Ryan decided that since i was having such a hard time with the transition back to work (I was miserable) he would buy me a ticket to go with the girls. The question i had since i had recently taken over the finances, was how are we going to pay for this?! Well... That hasnt all be ironed out yet, and its adding a little stress to me to be quite honest. I feel blessed to be going, but it also feels like a curse. just another hurdle to get over.. its a faith builder thats for sure. Ryans intentions were pure and good, but I feel like it just set us back that much further. I leave on thursday for 5 days with 200$ in my pocket. that doesnt even cover my food, my hotel, my car, and my day at disneyland which is 100$ all by its self. God is going to have to really do an incredible miracle to get me through that trip!

In the last few days, ive come to discover that two people very dear to my heart that just moved away have defriended me on FB.. Now dont get me wrong I had my moment where i did the same thing (not to them), but out of anger and frustration at someone from church, i defriended all the people i attended church with (other then our students), and i defriended the people who i dont talk to anymore. not long after i started adding them all back as my friends because i realized how foolish i was and how petty it was for me to be angry, and they didnt even do anything to me. Well these "friends" lived here in Canada for a few years and ryan and i poured our lives into them. We spent what we could (money, time, energy) to make them feel like they were a part of our family here. We loved their child, and did what we could do to help them with her, as they had no family here. My parents poured money, time and energy into their family too. Often babysitting for them so we could go on a double date. Having them for supper and really trying to be the family they were missing back home. Im feeling... well im not sure how im feeling. Ive sought forgiveness from her and forgiveness is not really in her vocabulary. I should have known better when they often talked about not having friends at the other places they lived... I made an error in judgement and said some things that didnt need to be said. (after pouring SO much time and energy into this family, i thought that the occasional text or phone call to see how we were doing wouldnt be too much to ask ,when her mom was down visiting for 2 weeks). I shouldnt have even brought it up. I am made a certain way, to think of others, and be mindful of them and their feelings (almost to a fault), and some people arent created that way. To ask someone to be mindful of my feelings and think about me at times is maybe pushing too much. requesting too much from a friend... So i told her this, and the response was not good. I was completely cut off from their family, and ignored. I constantly tried to get that friendship back, even to the point of taking full responsibility for both of our actions. full responsibility for her part in all of this... (im a blame taker and id rather have peace then problems).

All that said, im in the search for peace. My heart hurts, and every time i think about her and her family, i open a new wound. had they left on good terms feelings would be different. My heart just longs for forgiveness... the words "I forgive you"... these words may never come, i pray they will, but i have to realize that they may never happen. I will, for now, continue to pray for them and pray for blessing to be brought to them. That God would give His ultimate best to them, and show them his constant and true love and forgiveness.

I think the people that cant forgive, dont feel that they can be forgiven. What a terrible way to live. I want peace in my life, and so my prayer is for God to reveal his true and abounding peace. Show me the purpose in all of this, and help me to learn a valuable lesson in this!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


God has given us yet another missions opportunity, the Philippines in February. This trip would consist of doing 2 purity retreats for moms and their teenage daughters, one of each of the two weekends, then working with an orphanage during the week. My prayer for this trip is that God opens the door completely, works our the logistics of this trip and provides child care for my boys. If that doesn't come through, then I'll have to forfeit this trip and try to go another time. please pray with me that this works out if its His design for me!

Friday, August 19, 2011

home from Ukraine

I've been home from Ukraine for several weeks, with a vacation to Ontario squeezed in there, but my processing of the trip hasnt stopped. I've been thinking a lot about the wonderful people there, and wondering if I'll ever get to see them again. There are two families in particular that Id love to see again, and I'd love to have them come to Canada for a visit. If I had the money, I'd make it happen, but until then, I'll have to settle with the possibility of returning to Ukraine.

Ryan keeps talking about going next summer with a young adult team, so the possibility is there, but it may be 2 years before I get to go again. God is gracious and knows our hearts and when we are willing to obey He opens great doors for us. i pray that God sees this heart and answers my prayers because I'd really love to go back. I want to see the work that God is doing in Ukraine, and be apart of it.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

what now?

now what?

I've been sitting at home for the last 4 days, wondering what is next for my life?! Dont get me wrong, I'm excited, but I want answers. I know that its all in Gods good and perfect timing, and that He knows whats best, and when its best, but I wanna know.. I feel like a whiny school girl, whining to her teacher about her grade in math. I know that God is saying, "just be patient my child", but to be honest, im having trouble with this. Im already feeling the effects of my friends being gone, and at some moments of the day, I just want to curl up in a ball and bawl. There are times in my day that I feel lonely, scared, nervous, excited, anxious, bitter, and tired. Tired from trying to figure it out all on my own, nervous because making new friends is horribly hard for me. Scared, because making new friends means that ill have to be vulnerable and willing to open up (that is if i want non surface only friends). Bitter because God took several people from me this year, and Im not sure what that leaves me with. I have many great people in my life, dont get me wrong, many great friends. But to call them my closest friends, they have to be pretty special. Being a pastors wife doesnt allow me to be vulnerable with just anyone! Maybe this process for me is going to be like that of a chronic dater. where taking a "break" from dating is what is needed, maybe whats needed for me is to take a break from certain types of friendship. Maybe God is teaching me to befriend Him, to rely on Him, and to trust Him. Maybe God is going to teach me something amazing while I bask in His presence and not rely on people to fill my emptiness.

Im waiting Lord, waiting on you and your plans and desires for my life. Im excited mostly because I know that you never let us go. You love us so much and have a great plan for us. Im trusting in that.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Gods gift to me

Some say that people come into our lives because of fate, but I believe that God has designed each
friendship for specific times in our lives when we need those people the most! Friendships are very important to me, and when one goes sour, I find it most difficult to make it though. Although with Gods strength and infinite wisdom I always make it out alive! Sometimes we make choices that cause our friendships to become disconnected, and sometimes its just circumstances. Sometimes though circumstances dont cause disconnections, but rather tighter bonds.

I've had a couple friends in the past few years move to Ontario. My friend Heather moved there a probably about 5 years ago. I hate to say it, but we were disconnected
before her move (we went to bible college together and travelled to China with the school). While she was in Thunderbay our friendship flourished. She is a straight shooter, and I appreciate people like that. Even though we dont get to chat often, because life gets in the way, we have a strong friendship that nothing could break. We are here when the other one needs, and I dont think I would have made it in my marriage had it not been for her.

On August 12th this month, my other friend Erin is moving to Ontario as well. We've been friends for the past 8.5 years. Our husbands lived together in bible school and Matt was in our wedding party. Although Ryan and Matts relation
ship has, lets say, hit a dry spell, mine and Erins friendship has never been stronger. I recently made a fool of myself and used a lot of hurtful words towards Erin, and none of which looking back are accurate. Hurt and anger filled my brain and i had verbal diarrhea. It was embarrassing and cold. Hurtful and mean, but because of Erins love for people she welcomed me with open arms. She forgave me and allowed our friendship to become even stronger then it was before. I am so thankful for that. Im so grateful that Erin was there through my 2.5 pregnancies. That she helped me through my postpartum depression, my miscarriage/tubal pregnancy. She helped raise Levi for the 2nd year of his life as i wen
t back to work, and she loved him like her own.

Erin is the most amazing friend I have ever had, and even though she is moving, and this chapter in life is closing, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has great things in store for both of us. Great new friendship, and strengthening this old one!

Erin if you ever read this, THANK YOU! from the bottom of my heart, i thank you. With ever fibre of my being, i thank you, with each breath that God gives me, there is a whisper of thanks to you. You are a source of strength to me, you ar
e a roll model, you are the best friend that a woman could ask for. You are appreciated and loved!

Our kids will need to skype. thank God that we live in this day and age where we can still follow each others lives, and as you begin your new life in Ontario, know that Im praying for you, your kids, your marriage and your future friendship, may they be rich, and real, honest, and genuine. Please though dont ever forget the wonderful times we've had.

Until next time my b
eautiful friend...

I love you!

Erin meeting Levi for the first time!