Thursday, August 18, 2011

what now?

now what?

I've been sitting at home for the last 4 days, wondering what is next for my life?! Dont get me wrong, I'm excited, but I want answers. I know that its all in Gods good and perfect timing, and that He knows whats best, and when its best, but I wanna know.. I feel like a whiny school girl, whining to her teacher about her grade in math. I know that God is saying, "just be patient my child", but to be honest, im having trouble with this. Im already feeling the effects of my friends being gone, and at some moments of the day, I just want to curl up in a ball and bawl. There are times in my day that I feel lonely, scared, nervous, excited, anxious, bitter, and tired. Tired from trying to figure it out all on my own, nervous because making new friends is horribly hard for me. Scared, because making new friends means that ill have to be vulnerable and willing to open up (that is if i want non surface only friends). Bitter because God took several people from me this year, and Im not sure what that leaves me with. I have many great people in my life, dont get me wrong, many great friends. But to call them my closest friends, they have to be pretty special. Being a pastors wife doesnt allow me to be vulnerable with just anyone! Maybe this process for me is going to be like that of a chronic dater. where taking a "break" from dating is what is needed, maybe whats needed for me is to take a break from certain types of friendship. Maybe God is teaching me to befriend Him, to rely on Him, and to trust Him. Maybe God is going to teach me something amazing while I bask in His presence and not rely on people to fill my emptiness.

Im waiting Lord, waiting on you and your plans and desires for my life. Im excited mostly because I know that you never let us go. You love us so much and have a great plan for us. Im trusting in that.

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