14 days away

Ukraine is in 14 days. The excitement is becoming increasingly overwhelming. Im thrilled. Im getting nervous about leaving my boys. Because my mom has been sick, and not feeling well, with her colitis acting up. it makes me think that shes going to cancel on me. praying for healing for her.

My new nickname.

My new nickname is "blame taker". I have discovered that its is who i am. I am a blame taker. I have done it my entire life, and its has allowed for me to keep friends close, rather then have each of us grow from our experiences. I would much rather take all the blame for an issue that i have with family or friends, just to keep the peace. It makes me out to be a bad person, and it doesnt allow people to grow.

After seeing my councillor a few months ago and talking with her about the deep issues i have with my sister and the fear of her failing because it'd be like i failed her, i came to realize that i am not responsible for anyone's actions but my own. She stated that I need to stop taking responsibility for her actions and not feel guilty if she fails. The same goes for my friendships.. If i take all the responsibility for everyones actions, just to keep peace, then im doing a disservice to that person, and harming their growth. I am not responsible for anyone but myself.

This has been a tough lesson to learn and i never thought that it was the same as with my sister as it is with my friends. i didnt see the connection there, but now i have. i have allowed people to treat me poorly and abuse me because of my willingness to just lay down and take it. NO MORE.. I can only take the blame for my own actions, I cannot live in fear that my friends will fail. I cannot take the responsibility that is theirs, and if that means that i have to let go of a few friendships then i will.

It wont be an easy road. it'll be difficult to manage, but i trust that God will continue to direct me and guard my heart from the hurt.

its liberating to know that I dont have to carry someone else's burden. thank you Father for teaching me this lesson, even if it meant losing a friend or two in the process. I pray that those friends would grow and be shaped into the people You created them to be.

Ukraine, a reality

I've longed for the opportunity to go to Ukraine with Ryan since he started going 7 year ago. But it was never a reality. I had to work, or work, or work. or well work, and now that I have kids it has been especially impossible to go. But when theres a will theres a way, and I found a way.

Ill be leaving my kids here in town while I go away for 12 days. My parents have graciously agreed to come stay at my house while they work, and I'll have one of the girls from church come watch the boys day to day. It'll work out perfectly. God has really granted this desire for my life, especially since the ministry we'll be doing is right up my ally.

Well be living in an orphanage in Lviv for 10 days. Sleeping, eating and playing with children. Running daily activities for them, but mostly loving them. I cannot wait. This has been a dream of mine for some time, not only to go on my first missions trip with my husband but to work in an orphanage. God is so good and when you trust and obey Him, things happen that you could never expect outside of His grace.

Im so excited and i have already started making lists of things to pack. its 3 weeks away, and it couldnt come soon enough.

Lord I pray you open my heart, open my eyes, and help me to see these children the way you see them. grown my compassion for them, and my passion for you. teach me something new, and guide my steps in every way. Thank you for this gift. You are so gracious to me.

amen

Ukraine

God never ceases to amaze me. Last week going to Ukraine with Ryan wasnt a reality, and this week, I'm that much closer to going. You see after my crazy insane week last week where I was feeling really down on myself for who I am, and after having coffee with an incredible woman of God, I came to realize that I am a beautiful creation, and God has designed me and knit me together to be the person I am. Yes I also need tweaking, but He knows that and still uses me for His glory and purpose.

So after re-discovering that, I gave my life back to God. (I was trying to do life on my own, which doesn't work out when God is supposed to be in control).

Now Ukraine is a reality. We have the finances in place to go, I have the child care in place, I have my heart in place, and the willingness to go. Now I just need to hear about the flights, quite honestly I dont even care if I have to fly alone. I just want to go. See its a dream missions trip for me. The team Ry is taking is going to an orphanage for 10 days. They are living there, eating there and spending all their time there. I longed for this.

I feel and know that when we live in the will of God things work out for us. The road is not always easy, but we get to our destination. When we try to take control and make decisions not based on Christ's call, but according to our own selfish desires, theres no room for him inside our hearts. selfishness is the only thing filling that space.

I feel so blessed to have this desire of my heart come to be. I have longed to go for many years and this will be our first missions trip together. I cannot wait to experience this with Ryan and the team.

Happy Fathers day

To my daddy, I love you. It sounds cliche but my life wouldnt be the same with out you, but i mean every word. You loved my mom, and you loved me. You accepted me and took me as your own, and for that i am forever grateful. Your guidance through life has helped shape me to be the woman i am today. You dedication to our family has been the most incredible example.

I love you daddy, now and forever!

Thank you for EVERYTHING!

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

My dad and I in Haiti visiting a family of 7 with no father or mother. . . I am so completely blessed!

My Daddy's got SWAG

Happy Fathers day to you Ryan. You are the most incredible father anyone could ask to have for their kids. They are your first priority (after God and me of course), not your video games, not your friends, not your work, but rather your boys. It shows. They adore you.

I couldn't have asked for a better husband and father to my boys. Thank you for making us your priority. For loving us through our craziness. You are the most amazing man!

We love you,

Happy Fathers day! (our family in Kelowna 2010)

A New Lease!

Yes I have a blog. Yes this is my way of sharing my thoughts, hurts, pains, highlights and sufferings through life. Where else do I get to do this?

After having coffee with a friend and mentor this week I came to realize that my being frustrated with being in ministry is due to the fact that I was never sure of what God thought of my personality. Funny I know, seeing that I talk to students all the time about Gods design for their life and how He loves who they are and created them to be that way, all the while not believing it for myself.

I guess I always thought that my personality was more trouble for me then helpful and that people just couldnt like me for who I am. I was afraid that God would be upset with me for using my "weaknesses" in my personality. Rather then thinking that possibly God gave me this personality as a strength in the church.

I am a straight shooter, you ask me a question, ill give you an answer. It is always nice and rosy? Is it fair and just? Is my opinion always asked for? NOPE... and this friend helped me to realize that I should ask if someone wants to hear my opinion rather then just share it. Some people just arent ready for what I have to say, and I need to be OK with that.

God has given me many opportunities to speak truth into someones life, and other times I think I've fallen short of that. Just like everyone else I fall short. I sin, I do things that I know are wrong and God deals with me in an appropriate matter.

I say all this to say that God has created my inmost being, He knit me together in my mothers womb, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139. He has a purpose for my life, He has a purpose for my exact personality. Do I have lots to learn? YES. But He knows, and He teaches me, and corrects me.

I am proud to say that I have a new lease on life. This life is not mine, I'm simply just an instrument of Gods, so share truth, life and love to the people i come into contact with. If my heart is pounding because God has laid something on my heart to say, should I not obey Him and say it? I love this new found freedom. I love the support I have from two of my most valued friends, Miriam and Ryan.

Thank you for your love, support and guidance, and most of all your patience as I grow and mature into the woman that God intended for me to be.

Refine me oh God, that I may be more like you, teach me your ways, and encourage me when I'm in my deepest need!