Finding Joy in my waiting

This lesson "being joyful in my waiting" has been a lesson that God has been continually showing me. Last march was the first time I heard this message and I thought that it could apply to me, but I wasnt sure how. Well, fast forward to now and here I am, waiting for God to show me our next move, to put something on our hearts, to move us to where he wants us next, and I'm Waiting...

So part of my nature is that I dont like waiting, i found out what i was having when i was pregnant, i dont like waiting until Christmas to give my gifts, or open mine for that matter, i dont like lines, i want my children to behave right now and not have to teach them (why arent they born that way?) i am not a patient being. Ive actually quite often said that i was going to stop praying for patience because then God wouldnt have to put me in situations to be patient.. WRONG!!! God teaches us how He sees fit and not according to our own selfish desires. HA lesson 1.

Well last week in California i was chatting with the ladies i was with about this message i heard back in march about being joyful in your waiting. .. fast forward 2 days... listening to Joyce Myer on a pod cast... be joyful in your waiting... Graham cook pod cast the next day... Be joyful in your waiting... Sunday morning a lady got up to share after worship a word that God placed on her heart to share with us... BE JOYFUL IN YOUR WAITING!!! (needless to say.. but i bursted out in tears and sobbed for about 5 minutes and couldnt even concentrate on the sermon, God has spoken to me. Clear as day... )

God are you trying to teach me something here?? you what? want me to be joyful in my waiting? you dont want me to lay down and be miserable? you really do want me to have a full abundant life, and you do want whats best for me... you dont just want me to constantly live in misery over not having my answers here and now? I dont get it?! Well I do get it. God has called Ryan and I into ministry, and He will reveal himself and his perfect plans to us as he sees fit, but in the mean time we are to love life. we are to be joyful and find the best we can in amongst our situations... SHOCKING!!

Finding Peace

So its been a while since i last blogged, and theres a reason for that. My life is in chaos. Im a full time mom at home with my boys, plus I work 20 hours a week in the evenings, and on weekends.My family is completely blessed because of my current job, other wise we'd be 600$ in debt each month. (that adds up). My job at HAIRisma couldnt have come at a better time. I was praying and asking God to show me creative ways to make money at home, because i couldnt imagine a place that would hire me for the hours that i needed, but low and behold (insert angelic choir here) my friend Janelle offered me a job as a receptionist at her shop. Praise the Lord, but how was this going to work... WELL (and a big well at that). Janelle asked me what hours would work for me, and she gave me those exact hours... Doesnt God surprise us sometimes?? My life has come full circle. its a long story, but Janelle and I first met through an incident that happened with that shop.. minor detail though.

So my job has been going great. its a complete blessing. And honestly I couldnt have asked for a greater bunch of women to work with! God answers prayer in the most unique and normal (all at the same time) kinds of ways.

Im currently gearing up to go to California for another all girls shopping trip, and that was also a surprise. Ryan decided that since i was having such a hard time with the transition back to work (I was miserable) he would buy me a ticket to go with the girls. The question i had since i had recently taken over the finances, was how are we going to pay for this?! Well... That hasnt all be ironed out yet, and its adding a little stress to me to be quite honest. I feel blessed to be going, but it also feels like a curse. just another hurdle to get over.. its a faith builder thats for sure. Ryans intentions were pure and good, but I feel like it just set us back that much further. I leave on thursday for 5 days with 200$ in my pocket. that doesnt even cover my food, my hotel, my car, and my day at disneyland which is 100$ all by its self. God is going to have to really do an incredible miracle to get me through that trip!

In the last few days, ive come to discover that two people very dear to my heart that just moved away have defriended me on FB.. Now dont get me wrong I had my moment where i did the same thing (not to them), but out of anger and frustration at someone from church, i defriended all the people i attended church with (other then our students), and i defriended the people who i dont talk to anymore. not long after i started adding them all back as my friends because i realized how foolish i was and how petty it was for me to be angry, and they didnt even do anything to me. Well these "friends" lived here in Canada for a few years and ryan and i poured our lives into them. We spent what we could (money, time, energy) to make them feel like they were a part of our family here. We loved their child, and did what we could do to help them with her, as they had no family here. My parents poured money, time and energy into their family too. Often babysitting for them so we could go on a double date. Having them for supper and really trying to be the family they were missing back home. Im feeling... well im not sure how im feeling. Ive sought forgiveness from her and forgiveness is not really in her vocabulary. I should have known better when they often talked about not having friends at the other places they lived... I made an error in judgement and said some things that didnt need to be said. (after pouring SO much time and energy into this family, i thought that the occasional text or phone call to see how we were doing wouldnt be too much to ask ,when her mom was down visiting for 2 weeks). I shouldnt have even brought it up. I am made a certain way, to think of others, and be mindful of them and their feelings (almost to a fault), and some people arent created that way. To ask someone to be mindful of my feelings and think about me at times is maybe pushing too much. requesting too much from a friend... So i told her this, and the response was not good. I was completely cut off from their family, and ignored. I constantly tried to get that friendship back, even to the point of taking full responsibility for both of our actions. full responsibility for her part in all of this... (im a blame taker and id rather have peace then problems).

All that said, im in the search for peace. My heart hurts, and every time i think about her and her family, i open a new wound. had they left on good terms feelings would be different. My heart just longs for forgiveness... the words "I forgive you"... these words may never come, i pray they will, but i have to realize that they may never happen. I will, for now, continue to pray for them and pray for blessing to be brought to them. That God would give His ultimate best to them, and show them his constant and true love and forgiveness.

I think the people that cant forgive, dont feel that they can be forgiven. What a terrible way to live. I want peace in my life, and so my prayer is for God to reveal his true and abounding peace. Show me the purpose in all of this, and help me to learn a valuable lesson in this!

Philippines

God has given us yet another missions opportunity, the Philippines in February. This trip would consist of doing 2 purity retreats for moms and their teenage daughters, one of each of the two weekends, then working with an orphanage during the week. My prayer for this trip is that God opens the door completely, works our the logistics of this trip and provides child care for my boys. If that doesn't come through, then I'll have to forfeit this trip and try to go another time. please pray with me that this works out if its His design for me!

home from Ukraine

I've been home from Ukraine for several weeks, with a vacation to Ontario squeezed in there, but my processing of the trip hasnt stopped. I've been thinking a lot about the wonderful people there, and wondering if I'll ever get to see them again. There are two families in particular that Id love to see again, and I'd love to have them come to Canada for a visit. If I had the money, I'd make it happen, but until then, I'll have to settle with the possibility of returning to Ukraine.

Ryan keeps talking about going next summer with a young adult team, so the possibility is there, but it may be 2 years before I get to go again. God is gracious and knows our hearts and when we are willing to obey He opens great doors for us. i pray that God sees this heart and answers my prayers because I'd really love to go back. I want to see the work that God is doing in Ukraine, and be apart of it.

what now?

now what?

I've been sitting at home for the last 4 days, wondering what is next for my life?! Dont get me wrong, I'm excited, but I want answers. I know that its all in Gods good and perfect timing, and that He knows whats best, and when its best, but I wanna know.. I feel like a whiny school girl, whining to her teacher about her grade in math. I know that God is saying, "just be patient my child", but to be honest, im having trouble with this. Im already feeling the effects of my friends being gone, and at some moments of the day, I just want to curl up in a ball and bawl. There are times in my day that I feel lonely, scared, nervous, excited, anxious, bitter, and tired. Tired from trying to figure it out all on my own, nervous because making new friends is horribly hard for me. Scared, because making new friends means that ill have to be vulnerable and willing to open up (that is if i want non surface only friends). Bitter because God took several people from me this year, and Im not sure what that leaves me with. I have many great people in my life, dont get me wrong, many great friends. But to call them my closest friends, they have to be pretty special. Being a pastors wife doesnt allow me to be vulnerable with just anyone! Maybe this process for me is going to be like that of a chronic dater. where taking a "break" from dating is what is needed, maybe whats needed for me is to take a break from certain types of friendship. Maybe God is teaching me to befriend Him, to rely on Him, and to trust Him. Maybe God is going to teach me something amazing while I bask in His presence and not rely on people to fill my emptiness.

Im waiting Lord, waiting on you and your plans and desires for my life. Im excited mostly because I know that you never let us go. You love us so much and have a great plan for us. Im trusting in that.

Gods gift to me

Some say that people come into our lives because of fate, but I believe that God has designed each

friendship for specific times in our lives when we need those people the most! Friendships are very important to me, and when one goes sour, I find it most difficult to make it though. Although with Gods strength and infinite wisdom I always make it out alive! Sometimes we make choices that cause our friendships to become disconnected, and sometimes its just circumstances. Sometimes though circumstances dont cause disconnections, but rather tighter bonds.

I've had a couple friends in the past few years move to Ontario. My friend Heather moved there a probably about 5 years ago. I hate to say it, but we were disconnected

before her move (we went to bible college together and travelled to China with the school). While she was in Thunderbay our friendship flourished. She is a straight shooter, and I appreciate people like that. Even though we dont get to chat often, because life gets in the way, we have a strong friendship that nothing could break. We are here when the other one needs, and I dont think I would have made it in my marriage had it not been for her.

On August 12th this month, my other friend Erin is moving to Ontario as well. We've been friends for the past 8.5 years. Our husbands lived together in bible school and Matt was in our wedding party. Although Ryan and Matts relation

ship has, lets say, hit a dry spell, mine and Erins friendship has never been stronger. I recently made a fool of myself and used a lot of hurtful words towards Erin, and none of which looking back are accurate. Hurt and anger filled my brain and i had verbal diarrhea. It was embarrassing and cold. Hurtful and mean, but because of Erins love for people she welcomed me with open arms. She forgave me and allowed our friendship to become even stronger then it was before. I am so thankful for that. Im so grateful that Erin was there through my 2.5 pregnancies. That she helped me through my postpartum depression, my miscarriage/tubal pregnancy. She helped raise Levi for the 2nd year of his life as i wen

t back to work, and she loved him like her own.

Erin is the most amazing friend I have ever had, and even though she is moving, and this chapter in life is closing, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has great things in store for both of us. Great new friendship, and strengthening this old one!

Erin if you ever read this, THANK YOU! from the bottom of my heart, i thank you. With ever fibre of my being, i thank you, with each breath that God gives me, there is a whisper of thanks to you. You are a source of strength to me, you ar

e a roll model, you are the best friend that a woman could ask for. You are appreciated and loved!

Our kids will need to skype. thank God that we live in this day and age where we can still follow each others lives, and as you begin your new life in Ontario, know that Im praying for you, your kids, your marriage and your future friendship, may they be rich, and real, honest, and genuine. Please though dont ever forget the wonderful times we've had.

Until next time my b

eautiful friend...

I love you!

Erin meeting Levi for the first time!

4 days away

How am I feeling with only 4 days left until Ukraine??? Well I'm excited, nervous, scared, sad, happy, and thankful.

I have the most wonderful friends and family who are willing to sacrifice their time to help me out. My parents being at the top. I am so grateful for them, and their willingness to come stay at my house while I go to Ukraine, and then there is Marissa who is willing to come every day to watch the boys... God has provided this incredible opportunity for me, and I will not let Him or anyone down.

4 more days, which means packing and cleaning. The excitement is overwhelming me..

MUST FIND CAMERA!!!

14 days away

Ukraine is in 14 days. The excitement is becoming increasingly overwhelming. Im thrilled. Im getting nervous about leaving my boys. Because my mom has been sick, and not feeling well, with her colitis acting up. it makes me think that shes going to cancel on me. praying for healing for her.

My new nickname.

My new nickname is "blame taker". I have discovered that its is who i am. I am a blame taker. I have done it my entire life, and its has allowed for me to keep friends close, rather then have each of us grow from our experiences. I would much rather take all the blame for an issue that i have with family or friends, just to keep the peace. It makes me out to be a bad person, and it doesnt allow people to grow.

After seeing my councillor a few months ago and talking with her about the deep issues i have with my sister and the fear of her failing because it'd be like i failed her, i came to realize that i am not responsible for anyone's actions but my own. She stated that I need to stop taking responsibility for her actions and not feel guilty if she fails. The same goes for my friendships.. If i take all the responsibility for everyones actions, just to keep peace, then im doing a disservice to that person, and harming their growth. I am not responsible for anyone but myself.

This has been a tough lesson to learn and i never thought that it was the same as with my sister as it is with my friends. i didnt see the connection there, but now i have. i have allowed people to treat me poorly and abuse me because of my willingness to just lay down and take it. NO MORE.. I can only take the blame for my own actions, I cannot live in fear that my friends will fail. I cannot take the responsibility that is theirs, and if that means that i have to let go of a few friendships then i will.

It wont be an easy road. it'll be difficult to manage, but i trust that God will continue to direct me and guard my heart from the hurt.

its liberating to know that I dont have to carry someone else's burden. thank you Father for teaching me this lesson, even if it meant losing a friend or two in the process. I pray that those friends would grow and be shaped into the people You created them to be.

Ukraine, a reality

I've longed for the opportunity to go to Ukraine with Ryan since he started going 7 year ago. But it was never a reality. I had to work, or work, or work. or well work, and now that I have kids it has been especially impossible to go. But when theres a will theres a way, and I found a way.

Ill be leaving my kids here in town while I go away for 12 days. My parents have graciously agreed to come stay at my house while they work, and I'll have one of the girls from church come watch the boys day to day. It'll work out perfectly. God has really granted this desire for my life, especially since the ministry we'll be doing is right up my ally.

Well be living in an orphanage in Lviv for 10 days. Sleeping, eating and playing with children. Running daily activities for them, but mostly loving them. I cannot wait. This has been a dream of mine for some time, not only to go on my first missions trip with my husband but to work in an orphanage. God is so good and when you trust and obey Him, things happen that you could never expect outside of His grace.

Im so excited and i have already started making lists of things to pack. its 3 weeks away, and it couldnt come soon enough.

Lord I pray you open my heart, open my eyes, and help me to see these children the way you see them. grown my compassion for them, and my passion for you. teach me something new, and guide my steps in every way. Thank you for this gift. You are so gracious to me.

amen

Ukraine

God never ceases to amaze me. Last week going to Ukraine with Ryan wasnt a reality, and this week, I'm that much closer to going. You see after my crazy insane week last week where I was feeling really down on myself for who I am, and after having coffee with an incredible woman of God, I came to realize that I am a beautiful creation, and God has designed me and knit me together to be the person I am. Yes I also need tweaking, but He knows that and still uses me for His glory and purpose.

So after re-discovering that, I gave my life back to God. (I was trying to do life on my own, which doesn't work out when God is supposed to be in control).

Now Ukraine is a reality. We have the finances in place to go, I have the child care in place, I have my heart in place, and the willingness to go. Now I just need to hear about the flights, quite honestly I dont even care if I have to fly alone. I just want to go. See its a dream missions trip for me. The team Ry is taking is going to an orphanage for 10 days. They are living there, eating there and spending all their time there. I longed for this.

I feel and know that when we live in the will of God things work out for us. The road is not always easy, but we get to our destination. When we try to take control and make decisions not based on Christ's call, but according to our own selfish desires, theres no room for him inside our hearts. selfishness is the only thing filling that space.

I feel so blessed to have this desire of my heart come to be. I have longed to go for many years and this will be our first missions trip together. I cannot wait to experience this with Ryan and the team.

Happy Fathers day

To my daddy, I love you. It sounds cliche but my life wouldnt be the same with out you, but i mean every word. You loved my mom, and you loved me. You accepted me and took me as your own, and for that i am forever grateful. Your guidance through life has helped shape me to be the woman i am today. You dedication to our family has been the most incredible example.

I love you daddy, now and forever!

Thank you for EVERYTHING!

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

My dad and I in Haiti visiting a family of 7 with no father or mother. . . I am so completely blessed!

My Daddy's got SWAG

Happy Fathers day to you Ryan. You are the most incredible father anyone could ask to have for their kids. They are your first priority (after God and me of course), not your video games, not your friends, not your work, but rather your boys. It shows. They adore you.

I couldn't have asked for a better husband and father to my boys. Thank you for making us your priority. For loving us through our craziness. You are the most amazing man!

We love you,

Happy Fathers day! (our family in Kelowna 2010)

A New Lease!

Yes I have a blog. Yes this is my way of sharing my thoughts, hurts, pains, highlights and sufferings through life. Where else do I get to do this?

After having coffee with a friend and mentor this week I came to realize that my being frustrated with being in ministry is due to the fact that I was never sure of what God thought of my personality. Funny I know, seeing that I talk to students all the time about Gods design for their life and how He loves who they are and created them to be that way, all the while not believing it for myself.

I guess I always thought that my personality was more trouble for me then helpful and that people just couldnt like me for who I am. I was afraid that God would be upset with me for using my "weaknesses" in my personality. Rather then thinking that possibly God gave me this personality as a strength in the church.

I am a straight shooter, you ask me a question, ill give you an answer. It is always nice and rosy? Is it fair and just? Is my opinion always asked for? NOPE... and this friend helped me to realize that I should ask if someone wants to hear my opinion rather then just share it. Some people just arent ready for what I have to say, and I need to be OK with that.

God has given me many opportunities to speak truth into someones life, and other times I think I've fallen short of that. Just like everyone else I fall short. I sin, I do things that I know are wrong and God deals with me in an appropriate matter.

I say all this to say that God has created my inmost being, He knit me together in my mothers womb, I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139. He has a purpose for my life, He has a purpose for my exact personality. Do I have lots to learn? YES. But He knows, and He teaches me, and corrects me.

I am proud to say that I have a new lease on life. This life is not mine, I'm simply just an instrument of Gods, so share truth, life and love to the people i come into contact with. If my heart is pounding because God has laid something on my heart to say, should I not obey Him and say it? I love this new found freedom. I love the support I have from two of my most valued friends, Miriam and Ryan.

Thank you for your love, support and guidance, and most of all your patience as I grow and mature into the woman that God intended for me to be.

Refine me oh God, that I may be more like you, teach me your ways, and encourage me when I'm in my deepest need!